Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
