it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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