Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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