I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
