She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
