I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
