My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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