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Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
