Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Farmville is her only friend.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
