The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
