I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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