you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
