I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
