I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
