So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
