A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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