In America we eat man semen.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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