did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
