Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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