Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
