watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
