My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
