I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
