So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
