At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
