Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
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Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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