do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
