Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
this is an emotional support booty call
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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