mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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