So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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