I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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