i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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