dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
