Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
