somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
