Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
