The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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