i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
this hospital has no fireball
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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