The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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