I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
