I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
