I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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