the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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