Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
