I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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