You're my little dorito
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
