Cold hands, warm shart.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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