I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I love having hate sex.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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