I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
