I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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