my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i will never coherently bang her
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
