so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
