There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
