i may or may not be watching the land before time
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
