The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
