I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
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Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
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I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
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