i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
please come you make the beer taste better
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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