grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
