probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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