Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
