I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
