Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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