in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
