This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
